Talk about abuse

Domestic violence and sexual assault is hard to talk about. We want to make a difference in society, and we want survivors to feel like they can talk about their feelings and experiences, but it’s scary.

It’s scary for the survivor of abuse to open up about what happened to them, but it’s also scary to hear.

I presented to parents and their children today, and I had no idea what to say. I wanted to teach the kids what CAPSA is so they can be a resource for their peers, but I also didn’t want to introduce them to a world they may never have been exposed to. For those who came from loving families, I didn’t want to be the one to tell them that some parents hit their children and their spouse. I didn’t want to tell them of the policeman who called CAPSA because a man threatened to kill his mother-in-law. I didn’t want to be the one to take away a child’s innocence. That’s part of why I didn’t want to talk about domestic violence today. But what other reasons do we have for not talking about abuse? Can I suggest a few?

Not in my…

Just like we don’t want to shatter the innocence of children, we also don’t want to ruin the reality we’ve created for ourselves. Even though we know abuse happens, we don’t want to own up to the fact that our society and our families are imperfect. We want to believe that our family’s better than that; our neighborhood’s better than that; our state’s better than that; our church is better than that, but abuse happens to everyone and anyone. It is no respecter of person’s, and though we can take steps to prevent it, we can’t ignore it when it does exist.

I should have known

We also may not want to talk about abuse because we don’t want to feel guilty or like we should have known. When a brother, sister or neighbor tells you they’ve been abused, you don’t want to be the one thinking, “If only I had known…” You also don’t want to be thinking back on your interactions and wondering how you missed the signs. That happened to me once. A co-worker unexpectedly disappeared and said she’d moved to Texas. She’d been inconsistent in her work recently, and I just thought she had a more whimsical, care-free personality than I did. I later found out she’d been taken by her partner to Texas and kept hostage in an apartment. She secretly sent a message to her parents letting them know her location, and with the help of police, they rescued her and brought her home.

Even though she was free from her abuser, he still called asking for her at work. I was always the one to answer the phone, and I didn’t know if it was better to tell him she no longer worked at the office or to tell him she was unavailable. I wasn’t sure what would be safer. But I still look back on that situation and think about how my coworker’s partner was always on Skype. We’d be in a meeting and he’d Skype in, and she had to answer it. He made her wear a ring on her left hand, and we all thought she was engaged or married, but she just said it was a promise ring. I look back and I see all these signs of abuse. How did I not notice them before? But although I was interning at CAPSA at the time, I was still caught in reason number one of why we don’t talk about abuse. I thought nothing like that would happen to my family, friends or co-workers. I may even have underestimated how common abuse is in Logan. Even being an intern, I may have thought, ‘well yeah, it happens to some people, but not my kind of people. Not people who are working where I am, pursuing a master’s degree and living a successful life.’ I was wrong.

Though it’s scary to talk about abuse, and it’s sad to think about individuals like my co-worker kidnapped and trapped, it’s important to talk about abuse, because you never know who’s going to talk to you about it. You also can’t end abuse if you don’t know what it is or what it looks like.

How to talk about it

Here are a few tips for discussing abuse with your family and peers:

  • Use the media. TV shows, songs, music videos, movies and video games all provide opportunities to discuss domestic abuse and sexual assault. The National Network to End Domestic Violence has a list of more than 60 popular movies with domestic violence themes in them. Use this resource to know how and when to talk to children about what they’re seeing.
  • Allow children to express themselves. Sometimes children won’t want to talk to you about domestic violence, but they may find it helpful to draw a picture about it or write in their journal about their feelings. Allow them to learn in whatever way is beneficial for them.
  • Ask questions. Ask your peers about their dating lives. Talk about concerns and frustrations. Allow individuals to share their feelings with you freely.
  • Do service. Providing service for CAPSA, or a similar organization, can be a good way to introduce people to domestic violence. If doing a coat drive, individuals may ask why we need coats. If helping in daycare, explain to those around you why CAPSA has a daycare, and how it helps clients.
  • Refer to the experts. If you don’t know how to talk about a certain issue, you can always give CAPSA a call at (435) 753-2500, and we’ll help you out. We understand you may not know all the statistics, legal terms or complications associated with domestic violence or sexual assault. We’ll help you understand these things, as you have a desire to learn more.
KATIE STRINGHAM | DEVELOPMENT SUPPORT COORDINATOR | KATIE@CAPSA.ORG
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New Board Members: Christy Glass & Beth Foley

This December, CAPSA has welcomed two new members to its governing board: Christy Glass and Beth Foley. Below is a little bit about them.

Dr. Christy Glass received her Master’s and PhD in Sociology from Yale University. Following her graduation, she began teaching at Utah State University in 2005. In 2016, she was named Researcher of the Year for the College of Humanities and Social Sciences. Glass primarily studies women in the workforce and their barriers toward promotion, as well as how mothers are perceived in a work environment.

Thank you, Christy for joining with CAPSA to make a difference.

 

Dr. Beth Foley is Dean of the College of Education and Human Services at Utah State University. She earned her bachelor’s, master’s and doctoral degrees in communication disorders from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, and she began teaching at Utah State in 1993. She served as head of the Department of Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education from 2004 to 2009. She has also served in the community by aiding individuals with communication disorders at the Cache Employment and Training Center. Internationally, Foley has worked with children in a Mexican orphanage called Gabriel House.

Thank you, Beth for your work!

Learn about the role our board members play on our blog.

Board Meetings

Board meetings and board members, what are they for? A non-profit governing board serves many purposes. First and foremost, the board oversees financial and legal decisions. CAPSA’s governing board approves new hires and salary increases. They also make new policies such as our Donor Privacy Policy. CAPSA board members have also testified before the state legislature about the need for funding to ensure continued use of the LAP.

Board members provide support for CAPSA, it’s employees, it’s events and it’s mission. CAPSA board members assist the organization by helping organize and facilitate events. Throughout December, board members open and close the CAPSA gift wrap. During the spring, members help plan and execute the 5K, and members make invitations to friends, family and associates to attend events such as CAPSA’s Wine Pairing and Trivia Night.

Our board consists of university professors, accountants, law enforcement personnel, business owners, stay-at-home moms and lawyers. The diversity of our board members should be reflective of the valley. It should also allow for in-depth discussions about how CAPSA’s policies and practices will affect various community members. Domestic violence is no respecter of persons, and neither is our board. We want to know what the challenges and barriers would be to both a businesswomen and a police officer facing a domestic violence situation. By having a variety of backgrounds represented, a healthy dialogue can be created.

Board members are constant representatives of CAPSA. Board members tell their friends, family and colleagues about CAPSA and it’s latest initiatives. Board members invite their connections to Lunch with CAPSA or on a tour of our facilities, so that men and women throughout the valley can learn more about our services, and how we can help them. Board members are also advocates within the community.

Truthfully, our board members do a lot. There is no limit to their influence on CAPSA and it’s employees, and there’s no adequate way to express our gratitude for them.

Thank you to our board members: Beth Foley, Brad Franke, Chris Guymon, Christy Glass, Donna Alder, Jan Stander, Kacie Malouf, Mike Guthrie, Ronda Callister, Scott Stettler and Tara Williams. You all are amazing and do tremendous work on behalf of CAPSA.

To learn more about how a non-profit board should run, visit Nonprofits Are Messy by Joan Garry Consulting.

 

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Domestic Violence Trivia

CAPSA’s Trivia Night is February 24, 2018. To get us in the spirit, we’ve created a set of trivia questions revolving around domestic violence. See how you do:

  1. Which state first rescinded the right of a man to inflict violence upon his partner?
  2. In what year did domestic violence become a federal crime?
  3. In what year did the first shelter for abused women and children open in the United States?
  4. Which film did the domestic violence term, “gaslighting” originate from?
  5. The classic Cycle of Abuse has four main stages: tension building, acute violence or acting out, reconciliation and what?
  6. True or False, domestic violence rates in Utah are higher than the national average.
  7. Including CAPSA, how many domestic violence shelters are there within the state of Utah?
  8. On average, how many times does an individual try to leave an abusive relationship before succeeding?

STOP!

It’s time to review your answers:

  1. Alabama was the first state to rescind this right in 1871. The defining case in the matter was Fulgham V. State.
  2. Domestic violence became a national crime when the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was passed by the United States Congress in 1994.
  3. The Women’s Advocates was the first domestic violence shelter in the U.S., and it opened its doors in 1974.
  4. The term gaslighting originated from the 1944 movie Gaslight. The term is used to describe a form of emotional abuse where the victim feels it is their fault for provoking the abuser to anger. Many individuals who have dealt with gaslighting feel they are going crazy and cannot do anything right.
  5. The Cycle of Abuse culminates in the Honeymoon or calm stage where the abuser is kind and loving toward their victim and they promise they will change and no longer be violent, controlling or manipulative.
  6. True. Nationally, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men will be abused in their lifetime. In Utah, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men will experience abuse.
  7. There are 16 domestic violence shelters throughout Utah.
  8. On average, it takes a survivor of domestic violence 7 attempts to escape before succeeding.

Learn more about domestic violence and how to help a loved one on the Get Help part of our website. If you or a loved one experiences or experienced abuse, call CAPSA at (435) 753-2500.